You may be wondering what on earth Western Mediterranean cruises have got to do with my cat. Well, it turns out quite a lot.
You see I have a three-legged cat called Otis who happens to be telepathic. He has this alarming ability to read my mind and then interfere with my life in evil ways.
Even as I write these words, I can feel the waves of scepticism heading towards me across cyberspace. Poor creature, I hear you say. He only has three legs. He means no harm.
Scratching noises
Well let me give you some proof. How about this, for an example?
If I decide to have a lie in on a Saturday morning, Otis is immediately able to read my thought processes. No sooner have I taken that decision than he will start making loud scratching noises outside the bedroom door, forcing me to get up and attend to him.
Did I mention he hates me?
It’s true. He spends a lot of time plotting against me. I always know when he’s plotting, because he closes his eyes and pretends to be asleep. Actually, he spends an awful lot of his life pretending to be asleep.
Motionless
Apart from eating and using his litter tray, most of his existence is spent in a state of pretend slumber.
How do I know it’s pretend? Because no living creature can sleep for 23 hours a day, every day. It’s just not possible.
I can always spot when he’s doing it. He lies there, both eyes closed, completely motionless, looking for all the world like a cat who’s lost his life. Not to mention a leg as well.
He’s doing it right now and he knows I know. He even knows that I know that he knows I know. But that doesn’t stop him.
Western Mediterranean cruises
Which brings me to the whole subject of Western Mediterranean cruises. You see I’ve sailed a fair bit around the world. But for some reason I’ve never cruised in the Western Mediterranean.
I was reminded of this yesterday when a friend gave my wife a brochure on this very subject. Leafing through the pages jogged my memory that in just 14 days we could take in places like Portugal, Spain, Majorca, France and Italy. It’s a no brainer really.
So my interest was aroused and I was mentally starting to make plans. And that was my undoing.
Otis tuned into my thoughts and immediately identified a problem. If my wife and I were on holiday in the Western Med, that almost certainly meant a couple of weeks for him in the cattery.
Did I mention he hates catteries?
Quick action
No way is he going to allow that to happen, if he can help it. He needed to act quickly and decisively. And that’s what he did.
I’ll spare you the full details because some of you, as you are reading this, may be snacking on a KitKat. Suffice it to say he used feline digestive processes to render the brochure on Western Mediterranean cruises unreadable.
Smart move, I hear you say.
But when it comes down to it, he’s not so bright is Otis. He hadn’t reckoned on the internet. After all who needs a brochure these days. Any information I want on Western Mediterranean cruises can be found online, including special deals such as these Disney Cruises or this NCL Cruise.
Out manoeuvred
He’s stirring again and I can feel him reading my thoughts. He knows this time I’ve out manoeuvred him.
In fact, now he’s coming over to take a closer look at me and my computer and I’m starting to feel kind of sad for him.
“Sorry mate, there’s nothing you can do about it,” I tell him. “I’m carrying out my research online. Hey! Keep away from that PC on-off button!
“Otis! I mean it! You put your paw on that button and—”
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