A friend of mine suggested that now planes are flying again it must be time to unleash a host of volcano jokes.

I told him I’d wait until the dust settled.

Besides, I’m still boiling over from all the kerfuffle caused by the fallout from Iceland.

And as for adding streaming footage from YouTube to this blog…I almost exploded.

Eventually I stopped the flow when I told the missus “ I lava you”.

And brought her up to date with this cloudy period in our lives.

The Royal Navy to the rescue

She was heartened by the news that the British Royal Naval amphibious assault ship, HMS Albion, returned to Portsmouth on Wednesday carrying more than 250 civilians and 450 troops who were stranded in Spain.

The helicopter ocean carrier, HMS Ocean, and aircraft carrier, Ark Royal, have also been drafted to rescue more civilians.

I reckon the press gangs will be busy in Pompey this weekend.

Then I happened to glance at the British election promises (empty, most of them, I’m sure) which include beefing up Britain’s sagging Defence.

A new cruise line with a difference

I bet some bright spark in Whitehall has already reached the same conclusion as me: why not turn the Royal Navy into a cruise line to earn a few extra bob to keep the boys and girls in blue bobbing up and down on the waves (get your mind out of the gutter!)

The thing is, these ships are not the usual cruise liners.

Jackspeak

Civilian passengers would have to learn a whole new Navy language (the Navy could run courses on board, during the voyage), such as:

• assault with a friendly weapon (sexual intercourse a.k.a. receiving swollen property…so watch out for jack tars with a glint in their eyes)
• back teeth awash (someone who is seriously drunk – often the result of partaking of the traditional ration of Navy rum, which in my experience can be deadly- the rum, not the tradition)
• cake and arse party (a state of total disorganisation – bit like the Icelandic crisis)
• devil to pay (you wish he did! Unfortunately, many of you have had to fork out in the hope of getting it back, eventually. Personally I think each affected country’s government should cough up towards the repatriation of its citizens during this time of crisis and not just try to leave it all to the travel trade and insurance companies)
• good game! (cheerful expression when things look bleak – often used by politicians, certain financiers, football clubs, and frustrated sailors)
• knee-jerk response (criticism of a hasty decision made by someone in authority who hasn’t thought the problem through properly…)
• mind over matter (a Royal Marines saying, i.e. “I don’t mind, and you don’t matter”. Now where else have I heard this before?)
• ships that pass in the night (watch yourself, some of these sailors may have been to sea a very long time…)
• virginity screen (canvas rigged across a ship’s ladder or companionway to discourage sailors looking up the skirts of female visitors)

Never volunteer

I wouldn’t mind taking the Queen’s Shilling and signing up for the duration – of the cruise only.

But I’d leave the serious Naval stuff to the professional men and women who spend their lives keeping our seas safe.

James Leavey

Posted in Humour