If you walk down the lengthy corridor on a certain ancient British liner’s G deck, you’ll eventually see the round window in my cabin door, lettered with sticky black tape: James ‘Marlowe’ Leavey, Cruise Investigations and former L.A. P.I.

It was a sweltering day on deck when I kicked my door open, switched on the fan and inhaled a slug of bonded whiskey from the half empty bottle that lives in the bottom drawer of my temporary desk.

Then I sat on the folding chair, leaned back and torched one of the ship’s bar bills cluttering my otherwise empty in-tray. They had it coming. Right now I didn’t have the scratch to get the purser off my back.

In lieu of payment I’d agreed to be the ship’s ‘s private dick for just the one voyage. The passengers weren’t exactly lining up for my services.

Then the phone trembled and a sultry female voice purred in my ear, “Is that James ‘Marlowe’ Leavey?”

“Possibly. My daily injections of caffeine haven’t kicked in.”

“My name is Miss Agatha Marple. I want my ship to come in.”

“Don’t we all, sister, “ I said, igniting a low tar pill then reluctantly throwing it out the open porthole. Damn the no smoking zealots. “And what ship would that be?”

“Cunard’s QE2”

“Then you’ll be waiting a long time. That ship has sailed off on its last cruise – to a permanent berth in Dubai.”

“Oh hell,” she said. “I want to book a cruise on the world’s most famous liner.”

“Maybe I can help. It depends on how loaded and patient you are.”

“You sound more loaded than me right now,” she said. “But I’ve got plenty of money and I’m available, for the right offer.”

I gulped down some more hooch. “Royal Caribbean International’s Oasis of the Seas will be the world’s largest ship when it takes its maiden voyage on 5 December 2009.”

“I’m listening.”

“They say it will be like cruising in a luxurious travelling city, complete with shopping streets, bars, restaurants, and an amphitheatre the size of a football field. The ship will also be equipped with its own micro-climate and rock-climbing walls. .

“This $1.2 billion super liner will be 1,181 feet long, 215-foot-tall, have two six-storey towers, and 2,700 staterooms for its 5,400 passengers. They plan to fill the huge green area between the towers with 400 tons of plants and the soil to grow them and call it Central Park.”

The voice in my ear breathed slowly and heavily, “It sounds perfect.”

“Well, sugar, it’ll be murder getting a ticket for the inaugural cruise,” I said, “but I have some friends at Virgin who should be able to swing it.”

There was a short silence followed by more heavy breathing, “Well if they can swing something my way then I’m sure I can swing my way round to your cabin, Mr Cruise Investigator.”

“Easy, sugar. Don’t come looking unless you’re hungry for excitement””

“You kill me, James. I’m all yours.”

James Leavey

Related posts:

• Getting the most from short break holidays There are many reasons why you might want to...
• Been there, seen that. Show me a cruise with a difference An old school friend came up to me at...
• What’s on your 2012 cruises short list? If you’d like to learn what the future holds...

Posted in Humour, New Ships, Oasis of the Seas