When you travel, a helpful announcement can make all the difference. Take the time I was transporting a pregnant cat on London Underground and she gave birth to six kittens.
When I reached my destination I was so distracted I almost left the little ones behind. Luckily I was brought to my senses by the Metropolitan Line announcer telling me, “Please remember to take your litter with you.”
A clear and relevant announcement like this is a thing of great beauty. We travellers rely heavily on such messages and they therefore need to be of the highest quality.
Nowhere is this more true than when you’re at sea.
Customer communications
Well I’m pleased to report that announcements on today’s cruise ships are handled in a thoroughly professional way. Modern cruise operators understand the importance of good customer communications and strive for excellence at all times, not least in their on board messages.
That’s great news, if you like your announcements slick and businesslike. But perhaps disappointing if, like me, you prefer it when things go a bit wrong.
Over the years I’ve thought a lot about this and tried to imagine what announcements on the high seas might be like if they were less polished and a little more random. You can relax because none of these ideas will be coming to a ship near you, but for the record, here are a few examples of what I mean.
1. Praise be
“Hello there, this is Father Patrick O’Leary, your ship’s chaplain. I have a personal message for whoever broke into Captain McTaggart’s cabin this morning and stole his bagpipes. . . . God bless you my child.”
2. Lucky find
“If anyone finds a three of diamonds, a seven of clubs and a jack of spades, could they please hand them in to the Casino Manager. He’s a few cards short of a full pack.”
3. Congratulations
“We would like to extend our best wishes to Mr and Mrs William Williams from Pontypridd who today are celebrating their 25th anniversary. That’s right, it’s 25 years since they last spoke to each other.”
4. Chicken tonight
“We have an important message from the ship’s doctor for anyone who had the chicken soup at dinner tonight. Well done, you made the right choice, which is more than can be said for those of you who had the vegetable consommé.”
5. Past it
“This is your captain speaking. I understand there’s been some talk about this ship looking a bit ancient and past it. Well let me assure you, she’s a mere teenager. In fact I’m proud to say she’s just celebrated her umpteenth birthday.”
6. Sorry
“Your attention please. This is the Deputy Chief Officer here. Earlier today some of you may have overheard me saying that our Chief Officer was a Yorkshire man without a brain cell in his head. Well I’d like to apologise for that comment. It turns out he comes from Derbyshire.”
Now over to you
Is it just me who plays this game or do some of you ever fantasise about the announcements you’d like to hear on a cruise?
There again, perhaps in years gone by you’ve been on the receiving end of a few unexpected offerings over the ship’s public address system.
Either way, why not share them with us in the comments section below.
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