All over the UK, children are returning to school after a long summer break. One day many of them will go to university for a few years – anything to avoid working for a living.
My grandfather is at university and has never stopped working. He’s in a science lab jar.
And then there’s the boys and girls who want to train for a life at sea.
From the 1830s to the 1950s, ships converted into floating schools were a common sight on the River Mersey. They rescued boys from difficult social backgrounds and gave them a step up the ladder. But by the middle of the 20th century the demand for merchant seamen declined, and school ship masters rang their last bell.
But the floating educators didn’t stop there.
Millions of people take a cruise holiday every year. And what’s the one thing they are almost guaranteed to be offered, as a form of educational entertainment? A guest speaker.
Sitting in on a talk or lecture on a cruise ship is like going back to school, with three noticeable exceptions:
- While most guest speakers on a cruise ship have something interesting to say, they are not all expert at delivering their topic in such a way as to keep their audience awake.
- Fortunately alcoholic drinks are available before and after the talk – and sometimes, if you’re really lucky, during it. Some speakers are one glass wonders. Others need the assistance of a bottle or two of your favourite tipple, to help the facts go down.
- Unlike most land-based schools, if it all gets too boring you can always leave, quietly, and find something else to do. Like throwing yourself overboard to relieve the tedium.
Actually the vast majority of guest speakers on cruise ships are very good value, especially the gifted talkers who liven up the proceedings with funny anecdotes and jokes.
I remember a Harley Street dentist describing life in his famous London surgery. It was like listening to a script for a new film: Carry on Filling.
Here’s an example of his jokes:
Dentist: I cured my son of biting his nails.
Patient: Oh really? How?
Dentist: Knocked all his teeth out.
Nowadays, lectures and talks are supported by courses run by experts.
But the one course that seems to be missing is: How to be a Cruise Ship Speaker.
If you fancy a career as a speaker on a cruise ship but have never done this sort of thing before, my best advice is: don’t bother.
If you absolutely insist, here’s a few pointers:
- Prepare everything that can be prepared, and rehearse and rehearse.
- Assuming you really do know what you want to say do psyche yourself up and be confident. If you actually believe you’re the best person to talk on this given topic – the audience will trust and believe you. Until you open your mouth.
- A cruise ship audience is not a jury, and is easier to manipulate than one person in a room.
- Never drink booze before the talk. Save that pleasure for afterwards. If it all goes pear-shaped, you will need it.
- Keep it short and sweet.
- Encourage interaction. The more members of the audience you get to speak, the less you have to do (and can get away with).
- Move around and use props that are appropriate. A loaded gun sometimes comes in handy.
- Welcome your audience warmly and thank them for being there.
- Afterwards, thank them for listening.
- Don’t hang about when it’s over.
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11 Comments
Sep 04 2009
10:39
Very funny, as always. The thing that makes me wonder is …. how do you manage to make any unusual topic interesting. A rare quality, I think.
Sep 04 2009
11:31
Hilarious stuff which brightened up this fast-declining day. And, sage advice from one who knows.
Let me know when you venture on your next cruise. I’d like to be there.
And Graham, provided we all have a decent sense of humour, the answer to your question must be a yes.
Ronnie
Sep 04 2009
12:06
Thanks, Graham. Not sure I deserve such high praise, but as it’s Friday I’ll lap it up for it will help get me through the weekend. By the way, if you want to learn more about Liverpool’s Victorian school ships, follow the link below.
James
http://www.mersey-gateway.org/server.php?show=ConNarrative.72&chapterId=428
Sep 04 2009
12:37
And thank you too, Ronnie. This is high praise indeed, coming as it does from a veteran and gifted speaker who travels around the world to enlighten lovers of good whisky on the delights of exceptional Malts.
It would be great if you (and Graham) could join me on my next cruise. If I supply the Havanas can you supply the whisky?
James
Sep 04 2009
12:47
The old ones are always the best ones (jokes!). very interesting link to the Mersey ships, my family would have been on the bad boy ships.
Lin
Sep 04 2009
13:33
I’m donning the striped matelot kit as we speak. Leather luggage should disguise the amber nectar content.
Ronnie
Sep 04 2009
13:41
You are indeed a very wise man Mr. Leavey.
Should you ever consider a Freedom Cruise… we could put together a mini conference with speakers that would have people talking for a very long time.
Sep 04 2009
14:19
Samantha,
I’m up for it, but I’d only go on a cruise where I could enjoy my cigars onboard rather than drifting on a raft tied to the ship’s stern. I’d also insist on more ashtrays cos I hate setting fire to the deck.
And Ronnie, if you bring some of your fabulous whisky I don’t mind what you wear!
Sep 04 2009
14:37
James, Great article, really enjoyed it. It reminded of an ‘educational’ trip I was once on, sailing off distant shores.
From the passenger cruise ship we were on, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who was shouting and desperately waving his hands. “Who is it?” one of the passengers asked the captain. The cruise ship captain replied, “I’ve no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts.”
Don’t remember much after that!!
Sep 05 2009
9:27
as ever need i add more to what has already been said by some fine upstanding speakers already-good stuff james! i hope you’ve prepared your speech -let us know when ship sails we’ll be there-tru n del
Sep 07 2009
8:44
I was first sent to school at 3. But had to come back because it didn’t open till eight thirty.