‘I am afraid, Watson, that I shall have to go away for a month,’ said Holmes, as we sat down together for breakfast in Baker Street.

”G-g-go! W-w-where to?’

‘To South Africa on a seaborne vessel.’

‘But w-w-why?’

‘Elementary, my dear Watson. The game’s a-foot…ball. It’s the 2010 FIFA World Cup.’

‘F-f-f-f-FIFA! But w-w-what about the f-f-food, Holmes? You know how dependant I am on Mrs Hudson’s s-s-splendid r-r-repasts.’

‘Alimentary, my dear Watson. Cruise liners have splendid chefs.’

I was not really surprised.

The Naval Entreaty

I recalled reading in The Times that the host country of the 2010 FIFA Soccer World Cup is short of accommodation. The South African Ministry of Transport has come up with a solution: invite cruise liners to become temporary floating hotels, most of them moored off Durban and Cape Town.

Silver Blaze

‘I s-s-should be happy to s-s-sail to the dark continent with you if I s-s-should not be in the way,’ said I, pouring the contents of the teapot over the fire Holmes had started on the Persian rug.

The Second Stain

‘My dear Watson, you would confer a great favour upon me by coming,’ said Holmes, knocking the lit shag from his pipe onto the pile of medical papers I was reading, which immediately ignited.

‘The South African Ambassador is concerned that half a million foreign visitors are expected to travel to South Africa between 11 June and 11 July 2010 for the FIFA Soccer World Cup.

‘This will be the first time that the tournament has been hosted by an African nation, after South Africa beat Morocco and Egypt in an all-African bidding process, or so The Times leader informs me.’

The teapot again did its duty and I opened the window to encourage the smoke to join the London pea-souper fog.

The Must-Wave Ritual

‘Didn’t I read s-s-somewhere that MSC Cruises’ has acquired the r-r-rights to broadcast the 2010 FIFA World Cup™ games aboard all eleven of their c-c-cruise s-s-hips?’ said I.

‘The f-f-football games will be broadcast in the public areas s-s-such as s-s-selected bars. In p-p-particular those s-s-ships w-w-with s-s-sports bars w-w-will be s-s-specially branded for the games and w-w-will w-w-welcome s-s-supporters passionately following their own f-f-favourite teams.’

‘My dear Watson,’ said Holmes. ‘I am impressed with your keen observation. However, you neglected to mention that dedicated areas will also be decorated with football pennants, balloons and paper decorations with the competing teams’ colours.’

‘Is it true, Holmes, that activities such as s-s-sports-r-r-related trivia c-c-challenges will be organized to boost adrenaline and f-f-friendly r-r-rivalry among f-f-fans?’

‘Quite correct, Watson,’ said Holmes, absent-mindedly setting fire to Mrs Watson’s favourite tabby cat. I removed the half-dead daffodils from the vase on the breakfast table and splashed its contents over the singed moggy.

‘What The Times didn’t mention was that Professor Moriarty plans to be one of the passengers on one of MSC’s ships and that he intends to bend his will to steal South Africa’s largest diamond while the local constabulary are otherwise engaged.’

‘P-p-perhaps I should p-p-pack my s-s-service revolver, Holmes?’

‘Indeed, Watson,’ replied Holmes over his shoulder as he set off for his bedroom for more matches, after setting fire to my waistcoat with a stray spark. ‘ And a pair of England-for-the-Cup branded Inverness capes.’

The Final Problem

‘Indeed, indeed, Holmes,’ I muttered to myself, heading for the bathroom to immerse myself in a tin tub full of cold water. ‘Methinks I’ll also take a p-p-portable f-f-fire extinguisher along, for the journey, just in c-c-case.’

James Leavey

Posted in Humour