I don’t ask much in life. But please, if you’re sending me a postcard, try to make it interesting.
As for all you cruisers out there, with those awesome experiences you enjoy while on holiday, there really is no excuse. So why do so many people send such awful postcards?
Perhaps the problem is we’re all too British. Every year we thank the sender for their card and are too polite to point out it was crap. As a result they write exactly the same stuff the next year.
Well, the time has come for someone to speak out. So here I am.
Unlucky
Some say that with the advent of email and texting, the gentle art of postcard writing is dying. Personally, I think it passed away long ago.
Maybe I’m just unlucky, but over the years I’ve been on the receiving end of some dire efforts.
Perhaps you haven’t noticed how bad things are. Well let me give you some examples. Those of you who are about to embark on a cruise and thinking of sending a few cards, might want to take notes.
Small is not beautiful
If you’re going to all that trouble to tell me about your adventures overseas, here’s a good idea. Why not write something I can read easily?
Why should I have to decipher all that tiny lettering, just because you want to cram in a mini novel? Wouldn’t it be more sensible to compose a shorter message, using a size of handwriting comfortably above the subatomic level?
And while you’re doing that, try to write neatly. There’s a reason why each letter of the alphabet has a distinctive shape.
Premature articulation
A basic requirement of this medium is that before you jot down a single word, you must have actually done something on your holiday.
To be blunt, if you’re going abroad, it’s not acceptable to mail your postcards from the airport before you catch your flight.
The last thing I want dropping into my letterbox is a picture of the Gatwick runway or the south terminal, excellent though they both might be. Neither am I interested in hearing about the problems you had packing your six suitcases, and the stressful taxi ride to the airport.
You need to ditch all that preliminary stuff and cut straight to the action.
Stay focused
And let’s get something else straight. A postcard is not a document of record or an audit trail. It doesn’t have to list every minute detail of your holiday.
Please do not devote half the narrative to telling me how you went shopping for postcards in the morning and how you are going to spend the rest of the afternoon writing them. Nor do I want a paragraph on the challenges you had finding a pen that would work.
Before you set down each new sentence it might help if you asked yourself this all important question: will anybody give a monkey’s?
If the answer is yes, then feel free to continue. If no, find something more interesting.
Image is everything
Try to take some time over your choice of card.
Call me a cranky old so-and-so but I really don’t want a picture of the local abattoir, cemetery or sewage plant. Nor am I interested in a boring location map, or a diagram showing the five stages of Mediterranean brick manufacture.
What I need is an arresting image that captures the essence of the place you are visiting. And please, no generic shots that could have been taken anywhere.
Begging the question
Here’s another thing. Each postcard should be a self contained message in its own right, with no important details missing. Before you send it, check you’ve answered all reasonable questions the recipient might want to ask.
Please don’t start with something like, “Tuesday, felt much better after yesterday’s chainsaw accident, decided to visit paperclip factory.”
Never mind the paperclips. I need to know more about the chainsaw. Anyone who leaves out essential information like this deserves every power tool injury that’s coming to them.
Embarrassing revelations
Something else that’s vital to bear in mind. A postcard, by its very nature, is not the place for discussing sensitive personal details or confidential information. Every word you write is on display to the whole world and his postman.
So please no references to embarrassing health conditions I may suffer from or drunken misadventures that may have befallen me. Also try to refrain from writing anything like this:
“Hi Bruce, having a great time here in the South Pacific. Our cabin is 1354. How’s that for co-incidence? The same number as your burglar alarm code.”
Stimulating activities
But don’t despair. Avoid making crazy mistakes like these and everything should be fine.
Better still find yourself a cruise with a varied itinerary and lots of stimulating activities, both onboard and ashore, and you’ll have endless material to write about.
Your postcard will practically write itself.
Unsure where to start your search? Then why not take a look at some of Virgin’s special deals? How about one of these cruises to the Canaries or Caribbean cruise and stay options?
OK, rant over. Now it’s your turn. Have you ever received a Postcard From Hell? What are your pet hates when it comes to this form of holiday communication? Why not share a few horror stories with us?
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