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Put on your cruiser’s ears

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It’s often said cruising gives you a fresh perspective on life. You start to see and hear things differently.

The words of a much-loved song, for instance, can take on a new meaning at sea. When you return from holiday you may find yourself listening to other songs in a different way. You may start noticing things in song lyrics, you’ve never noticed before.

Well that’s what happens to me anyway. And I can tell you it’s a transformative experience, though it can also be quite unsettling.

Perhaps the best way to explain this is by giving you a few examples.

‘Moves like Jagger’ by Maroon 5

On the face of it this is a great song, celebrating a great musical icon. But put on your cruiser’s ears and you start to hear it differently. You realise that at the heart of it is a preposterous idea.

Who in their right minds wants to move like a sexagenarian rock veteran? Don’t get me wrong. I’m sure Sir Mick is sprightly for his 68 years.

But someone approaching their eighth decade is hardly a role model for agility. If I’m in a hurry – for example, if I want to get from my cabin to breakfast in double quick time – then no way do I want to be setting off like a geriatric rocker.

I want to move like Usain Bolt.

‘Grenade’ by Bruno Mars

This is a pleasant enough pop tune but one which in my view falls seriously short when you start focusing on the lyrics.

Basically Bruno is singing about his girlfriend’s failings. So what’s he moaning about? Has she been unfaithful? Could her cooking put you in Intensive Care?

Actually no. His complaint is she doesn’t love him enough to want to jump in front of a train. Nor is she willing to take a bullet through the brain for him or be blown up by a grenade.

This is frankly ridiculous. He’s seeking qualities in his partner rarely found outside of the SAS. I say the best thing she can do is leave him and treat herself to a Caribbean cruise.

‘Get Here If You Can’ by Oleta Adams

I’m a sucker for a romantic lyric as much as anyone but I believe there’s a line which can never be crossed.

By all means tell the world how much you love someone, but please don’t get manic about it. That seems to be the problem with this golden oldie.

Ms Adams is anxious for her beau to visit and spends the whole song encouraging him to make the journey. But she’s giving him way too many travel options.

If she just said jump on a bus that would be fine. But no, she offers him the choice of railway, trailway, airplane and caravan, not to mention carpet, sled, balloon and horse.

I’m sorry, but that smacks of desperation, the kind of attitude likely to send most guys scuttling in the opposite direction.

To make matters worse she shows scant concern for his comfort or safety, suggesting he completes his journey by windsurfing or even by shinning up a tree and swinging “rope to rope”.

All in all it would have been smarter for her to suggest he invest in a fly cruise. That way he’d at least arrive happy and rested.