Once in a noisy restaurant I swear I heard someone call me, “the cruise companion from Hull.” Odd that because I come from High Wycombe.
I guess what they were trying to say was I’d be good company on a cruise, because I’m charming and friendly like the people of Hull. This set me thinking about who else would be good company on a cruise. Indeed, who would make my ideal companions?
Personally, I’d be looking for some pretty special people. People who were frankly all those things we seek in a cruise companion – hardcore and zeitgeisty with just a hint of velvety edginess about them.
Well I had some tough choices to make, but from a long shortlist I’ve managed to whittle it down to just these:
King Arthur
The good thing about cruising with this bloke would be that he’s upper class and then some. With his crown and flowing robes, he’d cut a splendid figure in the lounges and restaurants of any ship.
But for all his regal air and kingly attire, I have a feeling when it came to the crunch he’d be just one of the lads. Not least in the bar.
“Innkeeper, I am Arthur Pendragon, King of Romano-Britain, righter of wrongs, champion of truth, fighter for justice. Fetch me a quarter of stag, a civet of hare and a brace of goslings, to be washed down with a flagon of mead.”
“Beg your pardon, Sir.”
“Oh never mind, I’ll have a scotch egg and a milkshake.”
Nor would he be one of those ultra posh kings with lots of airs and graces. Instead, I can picture him sitting by the pool, listening to chav rock on his iPod while using Excalibur to cut his toenails
Now that’s what I call real class.
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
Many people are unaware that the composer of Eine Kleine Nachtmusik was also a formidable billiards player. For that reason it would be great to go cruising with him. I have a feeling the pair of us would make a strong team in any on board tournament.
Using one of those Gyro Pool tables that adjust to the ship’s movement, I reckon we’d actually be unbeatable. I’m also fairly sure that with his finely tuned hand-eye co-ordination he’d also acquit himself well in the mini golf.
The only problem with Mozart is that instead of focusing on his next match, he’d be off to his cabin at every opportunity to write another bloody concerto.
Well, I’d soon put a stop to that nonsense. If I found any of his manuscripts lying around, they’d be over the side quicker than you could whistle the opening bars to the Marriage of Figaro.
Marge Simpson
Given that my favourite colour is blue and I’ve always been fascinated by bee hives, this lady is an obvious choice. But there’s a lot more to Homer Simpson’s long suffering wife than just weird hair.
Marge represents the voice of reason and sanity in what is otherwise a dysfunctional family. She’d be great to have around on a cruise, for those situations when you need a calming influence.
If any disputes arose on board – for example, between King Arthur and Mozart – I’ve no doubt she’d intervene to cool things down.
Lord Voldemort
Let’s face it Voldemort hasn’t enjoyed the best of press in recent years, but for all that he would make a great addition to any party of cruisers. For a start, it would be fascinating to see how crew members and customs official addressed someone who supposedly cannot be named.
Also entertaining would be the reaction of other holidaymakers to such a scary passenger. By keeping close to him I’d be sure to get served quickly and treated with respect.
And if something wasn’t to his liking, he’d quickly sort it out. If he felt drinks in the bar were costing too much, for instance, a quick swish of his wand would be all it took to change the tariff.
How would you not want to spend time with someone like that?
Sherlock Holmes
I’d jump at the opportunity to cruise with this famous late 19th, early 20th century detective. I’ve always found him such an insufferable know-it-all that it would be wonderful to show him up in public.
I’d persuade him to join me in one of those onboard quiz tournaments.
His knowledge of things Victorian and Edwardian might win him a few early points, but as the session wore on he’d struggle. I’d love to see his face as he tried to answer questions about Wayne Rooney, Katy Perry or Downton Abbey.
Michelin man
When you’re at sea you really get to know people. In particular, you can learn much from the elderly, and given that Michelin Man is 114 years old this year, I’m sure he has a lot of wisdom to impart.
It would also be comforting to have someone nearby who made you feel extra slim. No matter how much you ate on a cruise, it would be hard to outgrow your role as his sleeker companion.
The people of Wolverhampton
Maybe I’m a rarity, but I love the Wolverhampton accent. For me spending time with a shipload of people from that great city would make for a memorable and stimulating cruise.
Also, as Midlanders they would have to travel a long way to see the sea, so I think they’d really appreciate the experience. And given that Wolves, their local team, have just been relegated to the Championship, I reckon they’d need some cheering up.
Top selections
Well those were my top selections, narrowly beating off some tough competition from the likes of Lassie, Postman Pat, Genghis Khan and the Dagenham Girl Pipers. But now it’s over to you.
Who would be your choice for ideal cruise companion? You could beam your ideas to me by telepathy – alternatively, there’s always the comments section.
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