Take your seats, turn off your mobile phones and settle down please, ladies and gentlemen.
Introducing the Virgin Holidays Cruises Christmas Panto, written & directed by James Leavey and staring James Leavey and friends.
Cast: Mother Goose. Her son, Captain Jack Tar. Dinner guest, Tony the Turkey. Sammy Somali, the Pirate. Harry, the Haddock. Plus the barely sober crew from the Good Ship Virgin Holidays Cruises
Scene 1: The kitchen on a cruise ship.
Entire cast: Ho! Ho! Ho! from Captain Jack and the Virgin Crew on the SS Jolly Roger. It’s Panto time again…
(Sound of screams and running feet – disappearing into the distance)
Captain Jack: Come back! You’ll miss the bit where Tony the Turkey lays the Golden Egg.
(Sound effect: loud POP!!!)
Tony the Turkey: Ooh! That’s better. They said I had to leave room for the stuffing.
Mother Goose: Tony, would you step inside this warm room, on to this shallow metal bath. I do hope you enjoy our new bubble bath: Butter with Sage and Onion, Salt and Pepper.
Tony the Turkey (reluctantly): Are you sure it’s alright?
Mother Goose: It’s good for chilblains, especially after all this cold weather we’ve been getting. By the way, would you care to take part in the ship’s competition to see how much a turkey can cram up its chuff? The winner gets a one-way cruise. Just bend over… Oops! I forgot. Spanish onion first.
Tony the Turkey (eyes watering): Just as well I wasn’t about to lay another egg.
Mother Goose: Comfy? While you’re there, can you remember to use this basting spoon to scrub your back. And turn the roast potatoes, parsnips and carrots every half hour.
Captain Jack: Just a minute, mother. This egg is REAL gold.
Mother Goose: Is it! Tony, come out of there immediately. Let’s all go up to the ship’s bar. You can rest your drumsticks by the fire, instead of in it, while I fetch you some mulled wine.
Scene 2: The ship’s bar.
Enter Sean Hardaker, First Mate, full of Christmas cheer and holding a piece of paper he’s just pulled out of a Cracker: What are the worst words a turkey can hear? ‘It’ll soon be Christmas’, or ‘We’d like you to join us for dinner.’
Captain Jack: Pipe down, Sean, you’ll give a certain feathered person bad dreams!
(Sammy Somali enters, brandishing a cutlass).
Audience: Look out, he’s behind you!
Mother Goose and crew: Oh no, he isn’t!
Sammy Somali: Oh yes, he is! Hand me that Golden Egg.
Mother Goose: Shan’t! I’d rather the sea got it before you did. (she throws the Golden Egg out of the porthole).
Tony the Turkey: I’ll save you (he overpowers Sammy the Somali and then pushes him out of the porthole – it’s a tight squeeze). You’ll make a nice Christmas dinner for the sharks.
Captain Jack: Tony, you gorgeous gabbling gobbler, you’ve saved the day. But what about the Golden Egg?
Mother Goose: Don’t worry, son, I’ll soon find it via my Magic Internet Mirror (she produces an ipad, and taps into it). These SatNavs are wonderful. There it is. I’ll ask Harry the Haddock to go and fetch it. As a reward, he will no longer be our first course at dinner.
Harry the Haddock (mopping his brow): No sooner said (he disappears in a Flash! and returns with a Bang! Wallop!) than done. There you are, Ma.
Mother Goose: Well done, Harry. Get your fins round this glass of mulled wine and join us for a veggie Christmas dinner. By the way, has anybody seen my errant boyfriend, George the Gander?
Captain Jack: I think he’s taken a wander.
Mother Goose: Egg-actly what I expected, that foul fowl. He won’t feather my nest again. Never mind. There’s lots more fish in the sea. Merry Christmas everybody! We’re off to the Caribbean. Carry on cruising!
(Note from author: What did you expect? Shakespeare!)
- Ole Blues Eyes takes a cruise The Hoboken Cruise Company, run by a cockamamie boss-eyed...
- Puss in Sea Boots Run for the hills! It’s Christmas panto time again…...
- Wolfie takes a cruise To whoever finds this note: My name is Lawrence...
- Cinderella and the Magic Cruise Ship Part 2 The story so far. Cinderella and Buttons have been...
- It’s beginning to cruise a lot like Christmas It’s that time of year again. November runs into...