Somebody asked me the other day if I had any ideas for the kind of naming ceremony party that should introduce the
The obvious theme would be one relating to size.
Personally, I believe if you really want to emphasise just how massive the Oasis is you should invite world famous talented guests who have risen above their relatively under-average height to global stardom.
Perhaps they could come together in a special Christmas pantomime staged in the ship’s 750-seat outdoor theatre (modelled on an Ancient Greek amphitheatre which doubles as a swimming pool by day):
Snow White and the Mini-Miners (a.k.a. the Seven Vertically Challenged Work-Persons).
My first choice for Snow White would be Barbara Windsor, who at 4ft 11 inches, could Carry On Cruising.
Her seven co-stars could be played by those great actors:
- Al Pacino (5ft 7 inches) – Sneezy
- Tom Cruise (5 ft 7 inches) – Bashful
- Dustin Hoffman (5 ft 5 inches) – Grumpy
- Sylvester Stallone (5ft 7 inches) – Dopey
- Richard Dreyfus (5 ft 5 inches) – Sleepy
- Richard Todd (5ft 6 inches) – Doc
- Danny de Vito (5 ft) – Happy
with music by Paul Simon (5ft 3 inches), Phil Collins (5ft 6 inches) and Paul Anka (5ft 6 inches).
There’d be songs like:
Heigh Ho, Heigh Ho, It’s Off To Sea We Go
Some Day My Port Will Come
Ship’s Whistle While You Shirk
The story could be set on the Oasis, where Snow White is a princess in disguise who is given three magic gifts (a dodgy life jacket, an invitation to see the ship’s bilges at midnight, and a poisoned ice sculpture) by the Wicked Purser (Angelica Houston, 5ft 8.5 inches).
The Mini-Miners could save Snow White from the first two gifts but alas she takes a bite out of the apple and falls into a coma. After lots of joking, singing and swashbuckling fun, the princess gets kissed by the Prince (played by Daniel ‘Harry Potter’ Radcliffe, 5ft 8 inches) which brings her back to life
They then get married by the ship’s captain (Lloyd Bridges, 6ft, – we’ll make an exception, reprising his role from The Poseidon Adventure) and they all set off on a magical honeymoon cruise of the Caribbean.
If the panto was successful, it could be followed by The Wizard of Oasis.
Dorothy could be played by Lisa Minnelli – 5ft 4inches. Her mother, Judy Garland stood 4ft 11 and a half inches and like her daughter towered over the entertainment industry. Co-starring as the Ocean-Going Munchkins could be some of the descendants of the original 122 ‘midgets’ who got signed by MGM
Steward Tom-Thumb (no bigger than his bosun’s thumb) could be another Christmas production.
And it could all remind us that great things come from small beginnings and that one day an acorn will turn into a huge tree.
In the same way that a tiny thought was turned into the magnificent reality of
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15 Comments
Nov 27 2009
16:41
Just in case you’re wondering, the answer is 6ft 2 inches. I’m thinking of of playing the giant in Jack and the Beanstalk at the tiny Trinity Theatre in Cowes next week. But don’t tell the actor whose name is already down for the part – or warn him about the axe I’m carrying…
Nov 27 2009
16:46
James – Come on – where do I fit in? a 5ft. fag.-smoking ,Gin Drinking ex-pat in land-locked Madrid
Love Jenny
Nov 28 2009
8:00
Great Article – really enjoyed it. Could we add a couple to the crew. There’s cuddly Dudley Moore at
5ft 2, who already has experienced from his days as one of Santa’s little helpers and no show would be complete without Davy Jones, who looks after the lockers in Pirates of the Caribbean and is pretty scary, although his twin Davy Jones at 5ft 4 isn’t bad with a guitar, but he’s always monkeying about.
As Brucie should say ‘Keep Saaaaailing’.
Nov 29 2009
10:23
Jenny, You’d fit first class if I was the captain.
Nov 29 2009
10:25
Brian, I’d forgotten about Dudlley Moore. He was also a great pianist and could us all entertained. By the way, how tall are you? If you’re over 6ft maybe we could employ you as an honourary dwarf…
Nov 29 2009
10:36
Brian, the missing word is ‘keep’ – bloody gremlins!
Nov 29 2009
11:54
hi james-i’m fine with most of the cast but johnny depp has to be the prince regardless of how tall he is -daniel radcliffe isn’t cute enough!
Nov 29 2009
15:49
Talking about naming things. When I was born my Mum was staying at the Hilton Guest House in Pilton and she had cravings for Stilton cheese. She wanted to give me a name that was kind of similar, so she called me Ian.
Nov 29 2009
22:00
James I’m okay – 5ft 11 1/2 , just made it, I’m in as long as there’s no dwarf throwing – it’s an extreme sport in Ireland.
By the way Trudy, a woman compared me to Johnny Depp the other day – she said “You see you, compared to Johnny Depp you’re cxxp!
Very hurt I was.
Nov 29 2009
22:01
Here! What about Frankie Detori and Willie Carson doing a ‘wee’ Western?
Nov 30 2009
14:59
Hi Trudy. Johnny Depp? I love his work but he’s 5ft 10 inches…but, hey, who’s counting. We could sign him up to play the eighth dwarf – Lofty.
Nov 30 2009
15:17
Brian, at almost 6ft you could play the ninth dwarf – Lofty. As for Willie Carson (5ft) and Frankie Dettori (5ft 5 inches) they could co-star in an ocean-going yuletide production of Hiawatha…if one of them stood on the other’s shoulders and they covered themselves with a large sheet maybe they could also play the wigwam. What a Christmas western this would be. If only Alan Ladd (5ft 5 inches) and Audie Murphy (ditto) were still alive! And if some of those great actors already mentioned decline our invitation to perform on Oasis of the Seas, we could ask Phillip Seymour Hoffman (5ft 9 and a half inches) to step in for if he can lower himself to play Truman Capote (5ft 3 inches), and make a damn good job of it, the cruise panto is his oyster. Talking about great actors stooping to conquer, Jose Ferrer (5ft 10 inches) walked around on his knees with his legs strapped behind his back as Toulouse-Lautrec (4ft 11 inches) in Moulin Rouge…so any actor (or actress) of any height is a possibility, provided they can throw custard pies and deliver all the jokes (“He’s behind you!”) you usually get in British panto’s.
Nov 30 2009
15:18
Oops. We already got a Lofty, Brian. How about Terry Tallship?
Dec 04 2009
18:09
Richard Todd, star of The Dam Busters and other classic British war films such as The Longest Day has, alas, just died at the age of 90 so we’ll have to look for someone else to play Doc. I met Richard Todd once when I worked at the Duke of York Theatre in London in the mid-1960s (on Alan Ayckbourn’s first hit comedy, Relatively Speaking, which starred Celia Johnson – Brief Encounter – and Richard Briers) – I think he was with Jack Hawkins and Nigel Patrick at the time, another two great British actors from the 1940s and 1950s. Didn’t know that Todd was from Dublin – you’d never guess from his British accent – so maybe my mother met him there for she grew up in Ireland’s capital. I think we’ll have to ask Bob Hoskins to take over Richard’s role…
Dec 04 2009
18:13
By the way, Mr Hoskins is 5ft 6 inches…