There are sea cruises – some of them on ships – for all sorts of people, including Gay.

Whether Gays or Lesbians cruise for a cruise on a cruise, it’s worth remembering that heterosexual single passengers have also been known to do this, except they sometimes call it being on the pull.

I think it’s great that people of all backgrounds, hues and persuasions (some don’t need a lot of persuading) get together on a cruise. And I don’t mean in the biblical sense, you filthy minded swines.

For the world is a wonderful place and all people, whatever some blinkered idiots feel otherwise, are still people.

So I thought I’d have a little fun and dedicate the following sketch to one of my favourite BBC radio comedies of all time – Round the Horne – and to my gay and straight friends who still retain a sense of humour…well they’d need to, if they know me:

Take a vada at this

The S.S. Priscilla’s Captain, Kenneth (“you won’t get round me with that”) Horne is making his way to the top deck of his cruise ship when he spots an unfamiliar sign on a cabin door, ‘Bonar Cruises’.

So he knocks, and enters.

Captain Horne: Hallo! Anybody there?

Julian: Ooh hallo, Mr Horne, remember me? I’m Julian and this is my friend, Sandy.

Sandy (squeals with delight): Ooh hallo, Mr Horne!

Captain Horne: Captain Horne, if you please. I’ve been promoted…

Julian:…yes, above your station.

Captain Horne: I used to be captain of a Queen…

Julian: So we’ve heard…

Sandy: If you’re looking for crew, Captain Horn, I can do anything with a sextant and a lifeboat…

Julian: Stop that, and stop looking at his lallies.

Sandy: Well, I’ve never seen pink and orange striped leggings before….

Camping on a cruise

Julian: Welcome to our bijou cabin, Captain… So what brings you trolling’ in here?

Captain Horne: I saw your sign on the door…

Julian: Stocks and bonds for sale?

Captain Horne: No, the other one about cruises. So I thought I’d vada your jolly old eeks…

Sandy: Ooh, innie butch!

Captain Horne: Yes, well, harrumph, it’s lovely to see you both, but what are you doing on my ship?

Julian: HIS ship! Get her.

Sandy: And check out that red rhia flowing down from under his Captain’s hat…

Julian: I bet there’s none, under it.

Captain Horne: I’ll have you known I bought this headpiece from a man in the street of a thousand, in the old bazaar in Cairo…

Julian: A thousand what, Mr, I mean, Captain Horne..?

Captain Horne: Aerosols

Julian: Oh yes…?

Captain Horne: I was looking for a pair of flip-flops…

Julian: Hmm..I bet you were. Anyway, what we can double-do you for, Captain?

Captain Horne: The usual price…

Sandy: Cheeky…

Captain Horne: No, no, I was just wondering how you landed on my ship…

Julian: Landed! We were shanghaied by Blackbeard, the most murderous dastardly cut-throat pirate in the Caribbean.

Sandy: He was sipping a pink gin in a dockside bar in Portsmouth…

Captain Horne: Oh yes?

A life on a Marcel waves

Sandy: Yes, the one with the chintz and red velour wallpaper…and he was big and butch and his shirt was slashed open to the waist…

Julian: Stripped to the waist, he was, with great big bulging…

Julian: …then we were grabbed by the lallies and stuffed into a bag…

Sandy: I didn’t know where to look…

Julian: …and dragged on to this ship…

Sandy: You were already in drag…

Julian: By this big butch homie…

Sandy: Who is also known as Glad-hand Gladys cos of his way with a barrel of rum…

Julian: He keeps popping corks all over the place…

Sandy: He wears a black patch over his right eye…

Julian: With lovely little gold stars on it….

Sandy: And he lashed us to the wheel…

Julian: We had to pay him extra…

Sandy: And here we are, Captain Horne, offering the only cruise service with a difference….

Julian: It’s Sandy’s speciality…

Captain Horne: I can imagine…

Sandy: Cheeky!

Julian: Actually, Captain Horne, we’re the bon viveurs of the waves…

Captain Horne: The Marcel waves….?

Sandy: Ooh, isn’t he bold!

Captain Horne: Yes, well, anyway, what’s the cruise service with a difference you are offering on my ship?

Julian: Oh that…well, if you pay us…

Sandy: In pink gins and Judy Garland albums…

Jules: We’ll leave you alone!

James Leavey

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Posted in Humour