Isn’t it time you tried the anti-gravity cruise option?

You’re the captain of a luxury cruise ship that’s been infected by a deadly virus from outer space. Half your crew have been wiped out.

At the same time a nuclear submarine piloted by a malfunctioning robot is accelerating towards you, poised to attack.

As this is happening giant amphibious beasts from the bottom of the ocean have climbed on board and are prowling the main deck eating random passengers.

Your mission

Meanwhile in the ship’s spa the aromatherapist has run out of essential healing oils and a queue of customers is building up. Your mission: to find suitable substitute oils and help cut waiting times.

This is the exciting challenge you face in my new computer game: Cruise Ship Aromatherapy Client Scheduling Nightmare III. It’s the stunning sequel to Cruise Ship Aromatherapy Client Scheduling Nightmare II which sadly, like its predecessor, was never released. In fact, never developed.

This time, however, I feel I’m on to a winner. All I need is a team of top developers to create it and a company with a bottomless marketing budget to promote it.

Cruisers getting younger

As the popularity of cruise holidays continues to rise and the average age of cruisers drops, so demand for computer games with a cruising theme is likely to grow.

There’s a whole new generation out there who have discovered the joys of cruising and want to keep the magic alive when they return home. How better to do that than by playing one of my games.

I’ve got a stack of new ideas for PC-based cruise simulations that could be huge money spinners, and sooner or later I expect to strike gold.

Comedian

One project I’m working on is Holiday Voyage Death Race: War of the Extractionists.

This is a highly competitive strategy game in which players become cruise ship dentists, locked in a life and death struggle with each other. The aim is to see who can remove the most teeth from passengers while trying to ensure their ship reaches its destination first.

Every time a player extracts a tooth – with or without the patient’s permission – they gain points which can then be exchanged for useful resources.

Five points, for example, buys you a really bad comedian who you can place on a rival ship to demoralise its passengers. Ten points gets you a state of the art hologram projector. Use this to beam 3D images of sea monsters or icebergs in front of your opponents’ ships.

Anti-gravity option

But best of all, when you gain 50 points, you can equip your ship with an anti-gravity drive. This allows it to rise weightlessly from the water and start moving at high speed towards its destination.

I know what you’re saying. This is a ridiculous game, completely unrelated to real life. But hold on a moment. Maybe you don’t get mad dentists or bad comedians on cruise ships, but there are other aspects of my idea that have a ring of authenticity.

Let’s not forget that people seeking value-for-money cruise holidays already have a brilliant anti-gravity option. One that ensures they travel a lot further in much less time.

In the industry it’s better known as a fly cruise, because it allows you to enjoy the best of both worlds: a luxury ocean voyage plus time-saving flights to and from the start and end points of your cruise. There are also packages that allow you to travel out by air and come back by sea, or the other way round.

Fly Cruises

Significant savings

By bundling your cruise and flights together, you not only make more efficient use of your holiday time, you can enjoy significant savings. If you tried to buy the two parts of the package separately, the cost could be a lot higher.

Perhaps the greatest advantage of combining air and sea travel is that it makes it easier for you to cruise from more distant ports. No need to spend half your time sailing from Britain to a remote location. Instead, within a day or two of setting out on holiday, you can be embarking on your dream cruise thousands of miles from home.

Here are just three examples of the numerous fly cruises – or as I prefer to call them anti-gravity packages – currently on offer:

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Posted in Humour

14 Oct 2009

2 Comments

  • Oct 24 2009
    1:57

    James Leavey

    I once met a particularly sardonic American dentist on a cruise ship who could easily take part in your War of the Extractionists game. He reminded me of Laurence Olivier’s Nazi dentist in the film, Marathon Man (the one in which he tortured Dustin Hoffman by extracting teeth without an anaesthetic), and he told me the first thing he said to a patient, once he had tied them to the chair, was: “Is it safe?”

  • Oct 26 2009
    20:52

    Bruce Beckett

    Hi James, I think I’ll stick with my current dentist.

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