A few years ago I was basking in a hammock on the beach of a small exclusive island off the Brazilian coast, enjoying a fine Dannemann cigar and sipping my favourite Malt whisky.

‘I could get used to this,’ I thought, while I recovered from a fabulous boozy lunch, observing several small monkeys doing their version of leapfrog a few yards away. Not that I gave a monkeys. Although I did give them a banana.

Now I’m told that the recession has put some of this tropical island paradise within the reach of financially-challenged Brits such as myself. Apparently the price of private islands has recently dropped by 60 per cent and there’s even one island that can be had for a song (you name it, I’ll sing it), for a mere £40,000.

So maybe it’s time to sell the house, rent out the cat to a stud farm and get the wife and aged mother-in-law back to work…

If Robinson Crusoe was alive today he’d take a cruise

But an easier way to see and enjoy an island is to visit it on a cruise ship

OK. You may have leap over the side and swim for the shore with your passport between your teeth.

And look for your Man Friday – or Woman Saturday, if you’re that way inclined.

Now that the nights are drawing in and you’ve got this longing to be somewhere (anywhere! warmer, it’s time to look closely at cruises to the Caribbean, Canary Isles and similar likely places…

Looking for your own private island

One website lists about 500 private islands which get four million visitors a year. Americans and Canadians tend to lead the way on these islands, closely followed by my fellow Brits.

I once jumped off a large yacht and swam for the shore of a tiny weeny Brazilian island. But I trod water as I got closer to land for the place was full of my friends who were far better swimmers and were leaping around like guests at a ship’s ball on New Year’s Eve. The only thing some of them knew about ships is that port is red.

Some scientists believe certain rare Brazilian monkeys talk just like human. Yeah, I met them already…they were on holiday from the City.

Then I staggered out of the sea and crunched up the beach to the palm trees. And realised it was a bloody long swim back to the boat and I couldn’t work out how I would get back on board.

But which sort of island?

There are all sorts of islands: continental (such as Barbados, Trinidad), micro-continental (Madagascar) oceanic (mostly volcanic, including Tristan da Cunha), tropical (Maldives, Tonga, Seychelles), and desert islands.

Just take your pick – and the right cruise.

Desert island jokes

I’d tell you the only joke I know about desert islands, but it’s too filthy, despite the fact that it appeared as a cartoon in the Daily Mirror a couple of decades ago having somehow got past the cartoon editor.

Well, actually, there was the one about the beautiful young woman who got shipwrecked in the south seas and found herself alone on a desert island with one man. The trouble was, she hated being taken for granted.

Talking of which, I live on a much larger island (Isle of Wight) from which I watch cruise ships heading out of Southampton to warmer climes. There are times I take my island for granted, unlike the visitors – who arrive on a ferry rather than swimming to the shore.

And we’ve got a few monkeys – mostly bureaucrats in suits – and there’s a palm tree in my garden. I hang the bureaucrats from it on Saturday nights.

James Leavey

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