The other day, Brian from Northern Ireland suggested I write a blog about the best and worst sporting and other moments I can remember from my time on board cruise ships.

First, let me assure those of you who are trembling with anticipation (and fright) at the very thought of my unleashing the Hounds of Hell that:

a) Like many cruise ship passengers who like to hog the high life at sea I am not remotely sporty so I can only talk about the ‘other’ moments.

b) I wouldn’t dream of actually naming and shaming the persons concerned or the ships they were doing their foolhardy thing on at the time.

c) I ‘d prefer not to bore the rest of you to death with detailed trivia about such alleged events.

Postcards from a purser in Port Said

But I do know a former purser who’s now selling filthy ‘sporting’ ship’s postcards in Port Said, who (Wink! Wink!) knows someone who may point you in the right direction, for a thick wad of filthy fivers.

For they would confirm that there are all sorts of competitive activities on cruises, some of them virtually legal.

The ‘other’ activities, while often breaking the rules of what some of us like to believe is decent human behaviour, are even more fun and can be witnessed on every cruise by every passenger…unless they’re too busy fighting for a slightly tarnished Gold, Silver or Bronze medal.

First to Board It, first to Lord It

Old hands arrive early to charge up the gangplank, unload their luggage and grab the best place to observe the novice hoi polloi passengers struggle on board with the crowds.

The Gobble and Go Lunchtime Marathon

This is a very popular event that is often repeated every day during a cruise. The idea is to try as many dishes from as many food stations as possible from every eatery where they are serving lunch. The last ship I was on I collapsed after three lunches. Must be getting old. And heavier.

The Stop-Over Port Race

At every port visit, the mad rush to leave the ship and crowds behind is a wonder to behold. All semblance of civilised queuing is forgotten while passengers elbow the elderly, young children and disabled passengers (known as other contestants) out of the way and sometimes over the side. Leapfrogging and high jump (with or without the aid of a long pole) techniques are also used, as are fencing, boxing and wrestling.

Midnight Races to the Medical Centre

Some passengers (and many crew members, though never at the same time) return to the ship with unexpected extras and require certain, ahem, discreet medical assistance when there are no witnesses around. (‘Doctor, do crabs scuttle up and down?’ ‘No. From side to side.’ ‘Oh God! I must have lobsters’).

The Avoid That Person I’ve Known Intimately Since We First Met On A Cruise shuffle

This is the event where certain co-respondents try to leave the ship as quietly and swiftly as possible without bumping into their short-term partner (or team of partners). If you can successfully evade embarrassment you get a special grubby Platinum medal.

There are many other similar events and activities too numerous and dodgy to mention.

And the prize-giving ceremony is a marathon of embarrassment.

But we’ll cast a veil over them, until the next time.

Meanwhile, if you’re about to depart on a cruise, keep your eyes peeled. And your clothes on.

James Leavey

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Posted in Humour