When the time finally comes for England’s footballers to leave World Cup 2010, how should they unwind?

After all the stress and drama of the tournament, my advice would be to have a decent holiday. Not on a private yacht, but on a real ship with real people, so they can enjoy a real cruise for a change. But which holiday package would be best for each player?

It’s clear there are some options out there just tailor made for our soccer stars. So here are my top picks for key members of the team.

John Terry and Ashley Cole

The tabloid press like to suggest these guys may not be perfect husband material. Apparently, instead of sitting at home watching ‘Match of the Day’, they are out there checking to see if ‘Britain’s Got Talent’.

OK, perhaps they are a little too hot-blooded for their own good. But that can easily be fixed. All they need is something to cool them down. Something like this ms Veendam cruise to the Antarctic.

Lasting 20 nights it sets off on 20 December 2010, and will also take in Chile, Argentina, Uruguay, the Falkland Islands and the South Shetlands. It will mean missing a few vital matches next season, but it will be worth it.

Robert Green

After his embarrassing error in the match against the USA, West Ham’s goalkeeper has been the victim of merciless jibes and could well be suffering from loss of self esteem.

Well here’s an idea to boost his confidence. Why not take a holiday to a place where his name will always be honoured? That’s right. Soon as he gets back from South Africa he should book this 15-night cruise to Greenland.

By the time the next football season starts I guarantee his mood will have lifted and the cheap jokes will be a distant memory. Whatever happens he mustn’t let this cruise opportunity slip through his fingers.

Frank Lampard

It’s hard to know what package would be best for the Chelsea midfielder. But after much thought I’ve decided it has to be this 21-nighter on the ms Prinsendam.

Frank has a high IQ and therefore needs a holiday that provides lots of mental stimulation. Since this cruise will take him to Scotland, the Netherlands, Norway, Iceland, the Faroe Islands and Shetlands, there will be plenty of interesting things for him to see and do.

But the real reason for going would be the stop at South Queensferry, which is part of Edinburgh. While there it would be brilliant if he could make a high profile visit to the Scottish Parliament just so we can see the headline: Frankie goes to Holyrood.

Wayne Rooney

Some have suggested that Rooney is off form and has lost his way. In my view he needs to rediscover himself by getting right back to his roots.

Fortunately, as a Scouser who plays for Manchester United, he doesn’t have far to go. My solution would be for him to catch this 22-night Mediterranean cruise which sails from his home town of Liverpool in May 2011 and returns there in early June.

Wayne and Coleen will get to see Tunisia, Spain, Greece and Slovenia, as well as Malta and Sardinia. But most romantic of all they’ll visit Italy, where they were married back in June 2008.

Steven Gerrard

As a footballer with excellent passing skills, a great destination for this guy would be Gerrards Cross. But sadly for my blog, it’s located in land-locked Buckinghamshire, so we need to look elsewhere.

Well, as Captain of England and Liverpool, Stevie might want to reflect on some of the great skippers from history. One way to do this would be to celebrate Captain Cook’s 1778 voyage across the Pacific by taking this 20-night Hawaii cruise on ms Zaandam.

Besides berthing in Hawaii at Honolulu, Kauai, Lahaina, Hilo and Kona the Holland America ship will also take him to Vancouver and Washington.

The England fans

But with all this talk of footballers’ cruises have we forgotten the most important people of all: England’s long suffering fans. Especially those who travelled thousands of miles to see their team play, so far quite disappointingly.

It would be nice if our national soccer heroes could dip into their deep pockets and arrange for those fans to have an all expenses paid holiday in the Caribbean. It might go some way towards compensating them for the lacklustre Algeria match.

A holiday like this 14 night Caribbean stay cruise on Carnival Legend, for instance, would help to ease some of the pain. And it only costs £949 per person.

Fingers crossed

But don’t hold your breath waiting for that to happen.

And anyway, maybe all this negative talk is premature. Maybe our lads will come good in the match today against Slovenia and go on to greater things.

Whatever happens, I still reckon they could all do with a holiday. What’s more, if they follow my advice, it will be an experience to remember.

But one that won’t cost them a footballer’s transfer fee.

Bruce Beckett

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Posted in Advice, Humour