Business meetings are something I usually avoid. I can’t cope with all that anger and bitterness.
But I make an exception for meetings that try to improve the lot of cruisers. Recently I set up a group that meets regularly to do just that and I’m hoping to get sponsorship for it from a major supermarket chain. We call ourselves The Elite Sainsbury’s Cruiser Organisation – or TESCO for short.
Even if you have no intention of joining us, you might find it comforting to know that an elite body of people is out there fighting for your rights as cruisers.
Robust
And when I say fighting, that’s exactly the right word for it. Our slogan is, ‘an iron fist in an iron glove, with no velvet involved.’
Be under no illusion. This is not another talking shop. It’s a place where matters of substance are aired and robust decisions taken.
To give you a flavour of what we do, here are some excerpts from the minutes of our latest meeting, held yesterday.
Minutes of 12 June 2012 meeting
Item 1: Welcome from the chairman
A number of people objected to being welcomed. Many argued that welcoming people these days was so 2010 and anyway a waste of time. “We’re far too busy for that kind of nonsense,” was one comment. “We’re here to get things done.”
One attendee suggested that to speed up proceedings the chairman might use a shorter word like, ‘hello’. However, others wondered if even ‘hello’ was too long and it might be better if he just said, ‘hi’.
After much discussion, no decision was reached and we decided to reconsider this at a later date.
Item 2: Agree previous minutes
Objections were raised about the length of the minutes. One member wondered why they were called minutes when they took hours to read. Another suggested that anyone who spent more than seconds looking at minutes was lacking a social life.
After much discussion, no decision was reached and we decided to reconsider this at a later date.
Item 3: New cruise destinations
The chairman said he had received a number of suggestions from members for new cruise destinations to be considered. But he doubted that any of them were really viable.
He pointed out that, “some place nice, but different,” was too vague, while he questioned the practicality of, “somewhere like Australia, but in the Thames Estuary.”
In addition, he ruled out Azkaban on the grounds that he couldn’t find it on Google Earth, Solihull because he felt sure it lacked a coastline and the Mariana Trench because the last he’d heard it was 11 kilometres under water.
After much discussion . . . well you know the rest.
Item 4: Fly cruises made easier
One person in the group said he loved fly cruises but wished there was a quicker way to get from the airport to your ship.
A cruiser from Portsmouth told the meeting there was indeed a quicker way. Recently he had seen a next generation cruise ship on which planes were able to land.
There was much rejoicing at this news. One member said, “Our friend has surely seen the future of cruising.” This led the chairman to suggest, “Our friend has surely seen an aircraft carrier.”
Item 5: Any other business
There was heated discussion about who was the most experienced cruiser. A member from Croydon suggested he deserved the title because the voyages he had been on were equivalent to travelling to the moon and back.
But someone pointed out that the member from Croydon could only claim that because he had watched Titanic 183 times.
A fight broke out over who was more eligible to sail on a formal cruise. The member from Portsmouth asserted that most of the cruisers present were simply not posh enough to qualify. He believed they were oiks dressed in chav’s clothing.
By contrast, he argued, people could see he was posh because he was sporting enough jewellery to – in his words – “bling the house down”.
After much discussion of these and other matters, no decision was reached, so we decided to reconsider it all again at a later date. Speaking personally, I can’t wait.
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