Before we go any further let me make one thing clear. I’m not a doctor. So you can’t trust me.
But that hasn’t stopped me from taking an interest in health issues. My experience of cruising has enabled me to identify some cruise-related conditions that I believe doctors have missed. And the good news is, if you suffer from any of these, I may be able to help.
At this point I should mention that modern cruising is about as safe as you could ever wish it to be. Far from putting your health at risk, it can actually make you feel fitter and more relaxed.
You’ll come back from your travels fully revitalised. So much so, I often wonder why they don’t prescribe cruises on the NHS.
Unusual ailments
But they do say to be forewarned is to be forearmed.
So with that in mind, here are some unusual ailments you may want to be aware of, together with suggestions for how to deal with them, if they come your way on a cruise.
Unqualified as I am to talk about medical matters, I’m confident you’ll never be laid low by any of these. But there again, you never know . . .
Adventurer’s Armpit
As a cruiser, you’re something of an adventurer. Every so often you leave behind the comfort of your ship to venture ashore and immerse yourself in local culture.
There’s so much to absorb you may feel like you’re ankle deep in new experiences. That’s OK. Even knee deep or waist high is still fine.
The only time to ease off is if you ever hear yourself say, “I’m up to my armpits in it.”
That’s your cue to head back to the ship. A couple of hours relaxing in the bar talking about football, TV soaps or celebrity gossip and you’ll be right as rain again.
No reason to worry. You’ve merely suffered a bit of cultural overload. Or as we like to say in the trade, you’ve had a brush with Adventurer’s Armpit.
Cabin Ear
Nasty one this and very embarrassing. It’s not painful and certainly not life threatening, but it can be unsightly for a while.
It’s brought on by too much curiosity. Typically what happens is the couple next door are having a row but you can’t quite hear what’s going on.
You do that old trick of putting a glass to the cabin wall and then your ear to the glass. For 10 minutes you stay there straining to hear what’s happening.
Unfortunately, when you pull away you’re sporting a nasty red circular mark round your ear. But no cause for alarm.
Stay out of sight for 20 minutes and this disfigurement will fade. You’ll be able to appear in public again without anyone guessing your predilection for eavesdropping on private conversations.
Fake Accent Affliction
You’re on a Western European cruise and spend a day in a French-speaking port. The most effective way to communicate with the locals, you believe, is to speak English loudly, but with a fake French accent.
You love how your voice sounds when you do that and you don’t want to stop. So back on board you continue to talk in this ludicrous manner. Then suddenly you find you cannot regain your normal voice.
Luckily, remedial techniques are available to help you. For example, you might consider hypnotherapy, elocution classes or even psychological counselling.
Personally I’d recommend a cheaper solution – a really good slap across the face. That should soon sort you out.
Bond Delusion Syndrome
Left untreated this one could quickly get out of hand. It’s primarily a male affliction where the cruiser thinks he’s 007.
In most cases it begins when you enter the ship’s casino and you’ve seen one too many Bond movies.
Little things about you start to change. When introducing yourself to other passengers your preferred formula is: surname, first name, surname.
Then you annoy bar staff by requesting, “shaken, not stirred”, even when ordering water or crisps.
At a formal dinner, you start to believe the bulge in your tuxedo jacket is from a shoulder-holstered Beretta 418. Truth is it’s probably something deadlier, like a half-eaten corned beef sandwich, which you forgot to throw away.
The cure is simple.
Just start calling every woman you meet Miss Moneypenny or Pussy Galore and in no time you’ll have Vodka Martini all over your face.
That should bring your identity crisis to a swift end.
Toolkit Tourism
Also known as Demented DIY Disorder, this can easily turn dangerous.
Here’s how it works. When you’re on holiday, you like things just so, which is why you pack for every eventuality.
That includes bringing a handy toolkit with you because you never know when there might be a DIY emergency. But it’s a slippery slope.
What if your cabin’s layout and fittings are not to your liking? Well you’ve got your cordless drill, electric saw and soldering iron with you, so why not put things right.
What if you have an outside cabin, but no balcony, and you’d really like one? Again not a problem. A couple of hours of intensive drilling, sawing and soldering and you’ve added a new twist to the expression ‘cabin upgrade’.
It’s worth mentioning here that this breaks all kinds of health and safety regulations and the cruise line won’t appreciate it.
If you think you’re coming down with this condition, fling your tools over the side immediately and seek professional help.
Nightmares
I could go on, but I don’t want you to have nightmares.
Remember, if you find you’re suffering from one of the maladies listed in this compendium, there’s no point in seeing your GP because they weren’t taught any of this stuff at college.
My guess is you’ve been overdoing things of late. Your best bet is to book yourself on another cruise. You’ll soon be restored to good health.
Trust me. Even though I’m not a doctor.
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