This is an open letter to you all. In life, they say, you should follow your dream. Well my dream is to work on a cruise ship.
Serving cruise passengers in one capacity or another is something I’d be proud to do. Yes, I may be a little aggressive, intolerant, anti-social and at times emotionally unstable, but there’s no question my commitment to professionalism remains as high as ever. Ish.
To tell the truth I’m not fussed what job I do, as long as I can be a team member adding to the on board magic. So come on cruise industry recruiters, why not give me a job?
With my skills and experience I believe I can be a valuable addition to any crew. And with so many interesting jobs to choose from on a ship, there must be something I can do.
Here’s just a tiny selection of the positions I’d be happy to consider.
Waiter
Where would we be without good waiters? On a cruise these guys can greatly add to the whole meal experience. If you hired me, I’d strive to be the number one waiter in your fleet.
That doesn’t mean I’d be perfect. To be honest I can be a little impatient with people and inclined to speak my mind. I won’t put up with any nonsense. I believe customers should make up their minds quickly and then stick to their choices.
My response to waverers would be: “I’m sorry I can only accept your first order.”
Not everyone appreciates that approach, of course, so maybe waitering is not the best choice for me.
Deputy restaurant manager
Here I see my role as similar to that of the Vice President of the United States. I’d be just one heartbeat away from the top job.
Passengers can draw comfort from knowing that if for any reason the restaurant manager was taken out, I’d be there to grasp the reins of power and start making the tough decisions that need to be made.
Where do we stand on fries: chunky or crinkle cut? And should we stick to wild duck or upgrade to ferocious?
Come to think of it I’m not the world’s most decisive person, so this job too is probably a no no.
Shore excursion manager
For many passengers shore excursions are the icing on the cruise cake. My job would be to see that people go on the most suitable trips and return with happy, smiling faces.
It would be fun assigning all the various tours to different passengers. But not for long.
In no time at all I’d become insanely jealous that they were going on these fun outings, enjoying all kinds of adventure, while I was stuck in my office getting on with my work.
I’m starting to realise shore excursion manager isn’t for me.
Chief engineer
This is a big one. Where would any liner be without a top engineer on hand to ensure things were running smoothly?
I’ve watched those old episodes of the original Star Trek series and seen how important Scotty was to every mission. That’s how I’d like to be on my ship. A safe pair of hands, unflappable in a crisis.
Sadly, I’ve just remembered I have no aptitude for things mechanical. I can’t even refill the windscreen washer bottle in my car.
Head chef
Creating fabulous meals and watching the delight on passengers’ faces really appeals to me. On a cruise ship people are up for trying something different and I’d be happy to oblige.
At home I’ve always enjoyed the smell of food in the oven and the happy feelings it induces. But sadly, it’s my wife who does the cooking, while I just do the eating.
It has to be that way because I have difficulty following recipes while co-ordinating multiple kitchen operations.
Here’s another job, it seems, I’ll have to cross off my list.
Captain or doctor?
So what else is there for me to do on a cruise ship?
I’m not qualified to be a captain or doctor, I lack the management and business skills to be a cruise director or chief purser and I don’t trust myself with electricity or communications so everything from chief electrician to radio officer would be a non starter.
The people who take on these challenging roles are to be greatly admired, but I’d be unable to serve alongside them.
My love of all things cruising remains undimmed, but the more I think about it the more I realise there’s no career path for me on a cruise ship. The role I’m most qualified for is passenger.
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