If you’re about to set off on a pre-Christmas cruise you are probably wondering if you have signed up as an extra for Pirates of the Caribbean 5.

Or if your untimely kidnapping at the hands of some bloodthirsty slave-traders will ensure your name lives on in a remake of Assault on a Queen or Beyond the Poseidon Adventure.

Sorry to disappoint some of my more wishful readers but the only real danger you are likely to face on a cruise ship is being hit in the eye by the cork from a Champagne bottle.

Or overeating.

Pirates have been the scourge of the seven seas since Homer was a twinkle in his father’s eye but nowadays you’d be hard pressed to encounter any real buccaneers – unless you’re daft enough to join a ship that sails in the vicinity of the Somalian coast.

The bridge of every cruise ship is bristling with high-tech communications that can identify potential hazards and help captains to steer well clear of them. And most cruise ships carry arms of some sort and employ crew who have been trained to deal with sea-based criminals.

It’s also not that easy to board a cruise ship at its normal cruising speed – which is usually considerably higher than a commercial vessel such as an oil tanker or container ship – for by the time you have got close enough to throw a grappling iron over the guard rail, the ship’s crew will have spotted you and sounded the alarm. And cruise ships have a much larger crew to keep a lookout for invaders.

That said, I reckon there’s a market for jaded rich people who would secretly love to sign up for a cruise ship that goes looking for trouble, with all the comforts of home. Ideally, you’d want to be aboard a camouflaged destroyer, armed with missile launchers and carrying an anti-submarine helicopter, or pocket submarine. It could be crewed by professional marines who would provide intensive training in weaponry, the drinking of grog, and a variety of unorthodox Ninja techniques for self-defense.

In my experience, senior citizens are a lot more vicious than today’s young pirates. Some of them would love to spice up their lives with a chance to hit back at ruthless mariners looking to ransom off a shipload of rich passengers.

There’d be grannies armed with steel knitting needles and CS canisters, grandpas kept busy filling bandoleers and laying out automatic weapons on stateroom pillows next to the chocolate that has been left by the steward. Children (over 12s only) could be encouraged to join in the fun – and bully the 21st century Long John Silvers – who, once captured, would be relieved of their parrot, crutch and wooden leg.

There would be no more Yo Ho Ho Ho’s on the pirates menu and potential buccaneers everywhere would look for a more boring day job rather than face the embarrassment of being captured by the cackling armed-to-the-teeth passengers of a cruise ship.

Captured pirates would be forced to walk the plank – edging their way over the sponsor’s logo into the shark-infested sea.

The whole thing could be filmed by passengers on their mobile phones – and turned into a ‘Wish You Weren’t Here’ souvenir of the trip.

And when the cruise ship returns to its home port, surviving passengers could be rewarded with booty recovered from the pirates, and a large discount for the next trip.

About ten years ago I landed in Gibraltar after breakfast on board the Oriana and met a very pleasant female descendant of Admiral Horatio Nelson. Unlike her famous ancestor, she had the full use of both eyes and arms, and was about to set off on a cruise of the South Chinas Seas – as part of an RAF flotilla of small boats.

Her yacht wasn’t sporting any obvious weaponry like cannons but when I asked her if, like Lord Nelson, she was prepared to give as good as she gets if her boat was attacked she responded with a smile that was quite frightening in its intensity.

If cruise ships could sign up passengers like her, I’d go along for the fun. And I’d feel very sorry for the pirates.

James Leavey

Fill yer boots with some more pirate related chatter at Dr Kruz Nutty and over at Life Is A Cookie – Sean

Related posts:

• Flag up a cruise A ship’s flag is far more than a piece...
• Let your fingers do the cruising Great news: a French company has just launched the...

Posted in Humour