We all love a good laugh but poor comedy is like sea sickness, if you suffer from it a cruise can be terrible. The first day you think you’re going to die. The second you’re afraid you aren’t. And that’s just from the comedian’s point of view.

Poor devil. Imagine being asked to do a different comedy routine every day during a long sea cruise.

If you’re Ken Dodd, Britain’s greatest veteran stand-up – who has collected a vast library of humour that could amuse the passengers of several cruise ships for years – finding the right balance of comic material is not a problem.

Comedians new to the cruise industry also have to bear in mind that their audience is usually over 21 – sometimes way over – and often from diverse cultures. Early shows tend to be tamer than midnight specials. The difficulty for the comedian is if you’re not very funny, you’re stuck on the ship with the audience.

This isn’t a problem for the really great comedians who been making cruise ship passengers laugh for years – for their ego gets a boost every time somebody tells them how funny their act was the night before.

But if your act is substandard it’s rather like being a billionaire who’s never been on a sea cruise before and gets invited to join the ship’s captain at dinner: “First I have to tip everybody in sight,” he says. “Now they want me to eat with the crew.”

None of this stops some of us seeking out good comedy, while we’re cruising round the world.

Some cruise lines actively encourage their passengers to have a go at stand-up comedy.

Those plucky few soon learn trying to make their fellow passengers laugh is a lot harder than doing their version of My Way in the ship’s karaoke bar. But it’s certainly a great way to find out for yourself why comedy can be such a serious business and why good comedians are so well loved.

You also get ships that feature well-known comedy writers who regale their audience with stories about all the great comedians they have worked with – for humour is a great subject.

What the cruise ship comedian is always up against is an audience that will get get bored because they’ve heard all your jokes before. A few years ago I considered throwing myself over the side of the ship as welcome relief to the relentless patter of a mediocre comedian, or even better, tossing him overboard.

Which reminds me of the comedian who ended his cruise washed up and alone on a desert island. After several weeks he saw a barrel heading for the shore and a beautiful naked woman holding onto it.

“I have something you want,” she said.

The man looked at her and licked his lips, “Don’t tell me – you’ve got beer in that barrel.”

There are far better jokes on the growing number of short weekend cruises that usually cater for younger passengers. Some of them, like me, prefer edgier late night comedy with a bit of heckling.

The trouble is that crudity and bad language is generally frowned upon by most cruise ship entertainment officers, who are trying to keep everything afloat, including their passengers’ sense of humour. Fortunately, many of today’s cruise ship comedians know you don’t have to be crude to be funny.

Royal Caribbean International recently revealed details of a range of nightclubs on board Oasis of the Seas, the largest cruise ship in the world under construction. The ship will feature an on-board nightclub district, including a club called Comedy Live – and the comic expectations are high.

Unlike most onshore comedy clubs, which tend to be a bit squalid, cruise ship’s nightclubs and theatres are clean modern venues where people are entertained in warmth and comfort.

But it all comes down to the comedian. I remember one who was the subject of the following notice in a ship’s theatre, “We regret that our comedian has to cancel his act on account of his throat. Several passengers have threatened to cut it.”

The good news for cruise ship passengers is that such notices are very rare.

James Leavey

Posted in Cruising, Humour