Some people love company on a sea cruise. Others avoid it.

If you’re one of the latter and want to empty the sun deck of other passengers who keep hogging the sun loungers, try standing up and delivering this routine to anybody within listening distance:

I say, I say, I say

En route to the cruise ship terminal I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to, when you knock ‘em down.

That was after I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands. OK, I actually stole it from a short, fat, red-haired, four-eyed, blubbing kid.

You’d never catch me crying like that. My Dad taught me to run when he came after me with a cat-o-nine-tails on a Saturday night.

He was a ship’s captain and when I was a child he often made me walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.

Did you hear the one about…?

If you think that’s sad, my mother-in-law drowned after she fell off the ship in a storm. The crew and passengers clubbed together to buy her a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. It’s what she would have wanted.

I’ve managed to get over it by dating a couple of anorexic female stewards. Two birds, one stone.

I also like to play chess with bald men on the sun deck. Sometimes it’s hard to find 32 of them.

A few of my new best friends on this cruise ship are vegan. They were going to join me for a drink on the top deck but they didn’t have the energy to climb the stairs.

If nobody moves and nobody applauds – run!

Don’t blame me if they all roll over and go back to sleep.

If all else fails, try painting red dots on your face and upper body and start coughing and sniffing.

Break a leg.

(Before they break your neck!)

James Leavey

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Posted in Humour