It’s Panto Season again, with men and women artistes dressed in outrageous drag, all those corny old chestnuts, notorious oneliners, and songs and fun to celebrate Yuletide.

So now, without further ado, from the warmth and safety of your chair, it’s time to raise the curtain on a special two-part Panto of the Waves.

Cast: Cinderella, Buttons, the Three Ugly Step-Persons, Lily Corleone the Fairy Codfather, Wicked Captain Haddock, Percy the Personal Butler, and press-ganged crew members from the Good Ship Virgin Holidays Cruises.

Scene 1: Late night at an office near Swindon. Cinderella is tapping away at a workstation while talking to a customer on her headset.

CINDERELLA: Don’t worry sir, I’ll make sure that you and your family have a lovely Christmas cruise. Thank you, again, for choosing Virgin Holidays Cruises. Merry Christmas. (takes off headset and sighs) Well I’m glad I’ve helped somebody else get away from the snow and sleet. If it wasn’t for the credit crunch I’d join them.

BLOG-READERS (that’s you!): Ahhh! Poor little sausage.

Enter BUTTONS with a steaming cup of low-cal-demitasse-high-tech-organic-caffeine-free-coffee a.k.a hot tap water: Here you are, Cinders. Something to keep Jack Frost at bay.

CINDERELLA: Thanks, Buttons.(sips coffee)

BUTTONS: Anything for you, Cinders. But what can we do when we have to work day and night to pay off the City financiers, MPs, and all those other morally challenged spongers. They keep telling us they never lie but I think they just rearrange the truth in their favour.

CINDERELLA: Oh Buttons…if we could only get away on a cruise for Christmas…But my Step-Persons force me to work all hours to earn enough money to keep them in luxury. And when I get home there’s all those floors to scrub, dishes to wash, beds to make, and meals to prepare – none of which I ever have time or energy to eat. If it wasn’t for all my friends at Virgin Holidays Cruises I don’t know what I’d do.

BUTTONS: Never mind, Cinders. This’ll cheer you up: Knock, knock.

CINDERELLA: Who’s there?

BUTTONS: Mr Scrooge from the Credit Company – he’s right behind you!

CINDERELLA (and blog-readers): Oh no, he isn’t!

BUTTONS: Oh yes, he is.

CINDERELLA (and blog-readers): Oh no, he isn’t.

BUTTONS: You’re right, he isn’t. I just reported him to the FSA for harassment. I’m off to feed Lottie the Panto Cat. See you later. (exits)

Enter the three ugly step-persons: Bankie the Bank Manager, Polly the Politician and Freda the Fraudster.

BANKIE: What are you wasting time for, Cinderella, get back to work! If you don’t earn enough money you won’t be able to pay for our tickets for Oasis of the Seas and the cruise ship’s Christmas Ball!!

CINDERELLA: Can’t I go with you to the Ball? I’m so tired.

BANKIE, POLLY AND FREDA: No chance! If you work really really hard and earn lots of lovely Holly lolly we may bring you back a peanut and a paper hat. But we haven’t got time to waste talking to you, we’re off to the sun. See you next year. And don’t forget to pay the mortgage and utility bills while we’re away. If you get bored, wash the curtains and clean all the carpets. (exit)

CINDERELLA: Of dear. I suppose I’d better get back to work. (put the headset on)).

Flash! Bang! Wallop! Cloud of smoke, out of which steps Paul O’Grady in drag as LILY CORLEONE THE FAIRY CODFATHER, with a fish tail.

FAIRY CODFATHER: Hallo, Chuck. Have those naughty step-thingies been getting at you again?

CINDERELLA: Err, yes…who are you?

FAIRY CODFATHER: I’m Lily Corleone, your Fairy Codfather. I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse – but Marlon Brando I’ m not, so don’t ask me to put a decapitated horse’s head in your step-thingies’ beds! I’ve come to grant your dearest wish. (produces magic wand) You SHALL go to the Ball, Cinderella, on a beautiful Magic Cruise Ship (waves wand). If you check the screen in front of you, you will see you are now booked for a luxurious stateroom on the Oasis of the Seas, first class, all expenses paid, including VAT, booze, Duty Free, and tips, for you and your valet.

CINDERELLA: My valet?

FAIRY CODFATHER: Your friend Buttons, who also deserves a break…in a separate cabin, of course. And it won’t be on one of those cheapo tugboat cruises either – the last time I went on one of them my cabin was so damp the ship’s cat got strangled by an octopus.

CINDERELLA: But I’ve got no nice clothes and no way of getting to the ship…which is now in the Caribbean. And who will do all our work while we’re away?

FAIRY CODFATHER: A complete new wardrobe of beautifully tailored clothes for you and Buttons is already packed and on board. You’ll fly first class on Virgin Atlantic, of course…And I’ll look after things while you’re away.

CINDERELLA: This is a lovely dream. I’ll be able to join all those people I have been helping select the cruise of a lifetime. How can I ever thank you?

FAIRY CODFATHER: Just have a lovely time, Cinders. And remember the etiquette of eating on a posh cruise ship…always wear a yachting cap when you’re eating the fish and chips. And tilt the plate before you lick the Brussels sprouts off it. And if you need some more fresh veg, a bag of cheese and onion crisps. But seriously, Cinders, there is one thing I must warn you about.

CINDERELLA: What’s that?

FAIRY CODFATHER: This is a magic cruise and you must click your heels together before midnight to return home. Otherwise, as the interior decorator psychopath said to his victim at the window – the one with the roller blinds he kept moaning about – before he threw him out: It’s curtains for you…

The Fairy Codfather waves her magic wand and Flash! Bang! Wallop! Cinderella arrives in a luxurious stateroom on board Oasis of the Seas, with Buttons – both of them dressed to the nines.

FAIRY CODFATHER: And if anybody asks you about the mizzen mast ask them how long it’s been mizzen. Now where was I? Oh yes, I was gonna wash me hands – they smell of fish fingers. Merry Christmas!

The curtain falls and everyone dashes to the bar and the toilets, but not necessarily in that order.

(to be continued in part 2, on Christmas Day)

James Leavey

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