You’ve been ill with the Christmas lurgy and have decided to go on a sea cruise to recuperate.
But there’s a nagging doubt at the back of your mind about what would happen if things go wrong while you’re at the mercy of the ship and its medical services.
The worst scenario in your mind’s eye is one where you become the unwitting star of a black comedy called “Carry on breathing, Patient”, in which the ship’s captain turns out to be a sozzled guffawing Sidney James and the doctor is played by a flirtatious, slightly useless Leslie Phillips, who, when he enters your cabin, says, “Hell-ooh!” and starts fumbling about with a stethoscope. If you’re an attractive female, he starts with your bra.
At this point a waspish, slightly peeved Kenneth Williams appears with a huge enema and tells you to “Stop messin’ about!” Then out comes the bedpan and the awful jokes that will make you feel even worse.
“Another half inch,” says the surgeon at a critical point in the operation, “and I’ll be out of my speciality.”
“Doctors are brilliant. They cure poor people faster.”
“My doctor told me I had low blood pressure. Then he gave me the bill and raised it.”
In reality, while there are no mandatory requirements for cruise ships to carry licensed physicians, except for ships registered in England or Norway, all ships carrying over 50 passengers usually carry at least one doctor and have hospital facilities of one sort or another.
If you are ill or recovering from an illness it’s worth checking what kind of medical support you can expect from the cruise ship of your choice.
Medical treatment on a cruise ship will usually have to be paid for so it is wise to ensure you are fully covered by travel insurance, especially if you have an ongoing medical problem. You should also report any existing health problems at the time of booking.
A friend of mine recently took a cruise on P&O Cruises Aurora and was very impressed with the high standard of the ship’s medical facilities and staff. In fact he reckoned it was far superior to anything he had seen in a British NHS hospital and put it all down to most cruise lines preferring not to be sued by their passengers, for medical malpractice – that and the avoidance of bad publicity.
He even suggested that some passengers could turn a voyage into one that heals their medical problems – rather like the health tourists who visit Britain at a time when they are feeling unwell and seek urgent treatment, for free.
It’s not really a good idea for the medical staff on most cruise ships tend to be general practitioners of one sort or another, and your medical emergency may require services that can be dealt with urgently, by a specialist. If your medical problem is really serious, you could also be put ashore at the next port of call for land-based hospital treatment.
Hopefully, you will stay well and the voyage you have just booked will give you a much needed boost.
What you don’t need is the downer of being confronted by the ship’s private doctor who says, “Congratulations. Our team of doctors think you’re well enough to see your bill.”
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3 Comments
Jan 24 2009
15:53
Highly amusing read. Funny.
G Connor
Jan 27 2009
21:58
I was practically dying the other day and this doctor refuses to treat me. “There’s a word for people like you,” I said.
“Yeah,” he says, “it’s gynaecologist.”
Jan 28 2009
17:53
‘What kind of work do you do?’ a woman passenger enquired of the man travelling in her train compartment.
‘I’m a Naval surgeon,’ he replies.
‘My word!’ spluttered the woman, ‘How you doctors specialise these days.’