When I was a boy my mother used to stare wistfully into the coal fire in our sitting room in south London and sigh, ‘Oh Jimmy, I wish I could win the football pools.’

I was too young to know what to answer, so I’d sigh along with her, and dream of easy money arriving on the turn of a goal. The trouble was, we both hated football.

Years later when I was an adult – but not necessarily grown up, that’s never going to happen – I realised I should have encouraged my mother to fill in a pools coupon and send it off with the stake. For my mother, one of Dublin’s serial optimists, never did.

One of the few things I’ve since learned that’s worth anything at all (or ‘at all, at all’, as the Irish say in crap jokes, Bless ‘em) is life’s like that. You have to meet it halfway by filling in the coupon, for any chance of success.

The Lottery of Love – Boats

So here they are again, the single passengers sailing hopefully towards St Valentine’s Day and the love of their life.

Just thought I’d remind you all that it helps to actually be on a cruise ship – preferably one crammed to the gunnels with other unattached people like yourselves.

This is probably like teaching grannies to suck eggs (mine never did, it she thought it was too common) but it’s worth remembering that being with the right person in the right place makes moonlight and music unnecessary.

If you’re near-sighted, always wear your spectacles, even if you feel they’re unflattering. For many a romance begins when you think you’ve found the person of your dreams, and ends when you wake up and put your glasses on.

What a cracker

In case you’re wondering, I got these gems out of a Valentine’s Day cracker! Here’s some more…

A romance is a short period when two people cannot see too much of each other, followed by a long period when they do.

It’s often said that before marriage, a woman thinks of a man. After marriage, she thinks for him.

When money talks, some people don’t miss a word.

And a final one (great crackers these, I bought a box of twelve adorned with paper red roses from the local 50 pence shop):

Courtship is a romantic ship that’s often washed up on the sea of matrimony.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you…

Whatever you do, don’t tell my wife I wrote this. She might put her contact lenses in again.

James Leavey

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Posted in Humour