Every now and then I get a flash of the kind of people I would love to share a cruise with, albeit not necessarily the same cabin.

High on my list are the excellent British actors-comedians-writers Alexander Armstrong and Ben Miller who in recent years co-wrote and starred in several short TV sketches, including one incorporating two iconic World War II pipe-smoking stiff-upper-lip airmen whose traditional outward appearance is at odds with their 21st century yoof attitude.

Maybe one day A&M could write a sketch featuring those two characters on a cruise ship.

Until then, this is my tribute to those two great writers and their brilliant characters:

Pip! Pip!

First Officer: Heads up, blood. I’ve brought you some tea and digestives and shit.

Navigator: Massive, blood. Nasty fog out there.

FO: Is bad, know what I mean.

N: Yo, bro’. Dipped, innit.

FO: Seen any Somalies?

N: Yo. They were like massively disrespecting my rights to get lost at sea, right?

FO: That’s like oppressing your mariner’s rights, right?

N: Yo ho ho, blood. They boarded us, like, twice.

FO: Random.

N: Isn’t it, though?

FO: It’s, like, well bad.

N: Deep. I told the pirate honcho to, like, talk to the wheel cos the navigator’s not listening.

FO: Random. Like a seagull on speed.

N: Then the Man, like, he comes up from his bunk with his black eye patch and wooden leg and the parrot, and, like, he says to the honcho: Is not allowed, right.

FO: Random. What happened?

N: They, like, threw him over the side.

FO: Desperate, blood. And?

N: What, blood?

FO: Like, where are those badness, now?

N: I, like, threw them after him.

www.armstrongandmiller.co.uk

James Leavey

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Posted in Cruising, Humour