Every now and then I get a flash of the kind of people I would love to share a cruise with, albeit not necessarily the same cabin.
High on my list are the excellent British actors-comedians-writers Alexander Armstrong and Ben Miller who in recent years co-wrote and starred in several short TV sketches, including one incorporating two iconic World War II pipe-smoking stiff-upper-lip airmen whose traditional outward appearance is at odds with their 21st century yoof attitude.
Maybe one day A&M could write a sketch featuring those two characters on a cruise ship.
Until then, this is my tribute to those two great writers and their brilliant characters:
First Officer: Heads up, blood. I’ve brought you some tea and digestives and shit.
Navigator: Massive, blood. Nasty fog out there.
FO: Is bad, know what I mean.
N: Yo, bro’. Dipped, innit.
FO: Seen any Somalies?
N: Yo. They were like massively disrespecting my rights to get lost at sea, right?
FO: That’s like oppressing your mariner’s rights, right?
N: Yo ho ho, blood. They boarded us, like, twice.
N: Isn’t it, though?
FO: It’s, like, well bad.
N: Deep. I told the pirate honcho to, like, talk to the wheel cos the navigator’s not listening.
FO: Random. Like a seagull on speed.
N: Then the Man, like, he comes up from his bunk with his black eye patch and wooden leg and the parrot, and, like, he says to the honcho: Is not allowed, right.
FO: Random. What happened?
N: They, like, threw him over the side.
FO: Desperate, blood. And?
N: What, blood?
FO: Like, where are those badness, now?
N: I, like, threw them after him.
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