Imagine you’ve just arrived at a stopover port with Fred Astaire.

He’s trying to dance down the gangplank with all the other passengers while he’s singing:

I joined a cruise ship to see the sea,
And what did I see?
I saw the sea.
I saw the Pacific and the Atlantic
The latter was looking very frantic
And the former simply wasn’t my cup of tea.

I joined an excursion to see the sights
And what where the heights?
I saw some fights.
The passengers were cursing and a scratching
To join the excursion they hoped they were catching.
They didn’t see much cos they put out all their lights.

We hired a taxi to drive us around
The driver was dodgy, the car not sound.
We weren’t covered by the ship’s insurance
And that driver he did lure, once,
And now our money’s gone
And our car is in the pound.

I wanted shopping
And what did I buy?
Ten pairs of shoes. And a nasty tie.
I came back laden with my filled bags
And the wife bought fifty handbags.
And the steward got ten per cent. Oh me, Oh my.

I rejoined my cruise ship to see the sea
And what did it see?
Lots more of me.
I never went back to shore agin’
Short trips on land would have me broke and flaggin’ agin’
Now I’m sitting just as comfy as I can be.

And the moral of this song is:

Think carefully what you want from a cruise. Some passengers want to visit as many places as possible. Others prefer to stay on board for the entire cruise.

For those of you who insist on stepping ashore in a foreign land at every opportunity, do bear in mind:

• A series of organised shore excursions can sometimes cost more than the cruise.
• Excursions listed in the brochure as “limited” are often sold out before the ship sets sail.
• Try not to miss the excursion you’d booked, for there are usually no refunds.
• Most cruise ships drop their passengers off at a place where you will need transport to get you to anywhere interesting – the early passenger catches the cab. And yours won’t necessarily be the only cruise ship that has just arrived.
• If you want to go ashore, solo, find as much as you can about the place you are visiting for the first time, in advance, on the Net.
• You’ll be stepping into another world, so don’t go out of your way to piss off the natives.
• Be aware that going solo in some cities, such as Rio de Janeiro, can be very dangerous.
• In dodgy destinations it is better to dress down (i.e. leave the fancy watch, jewellery, camera, i-pod, video and posh clothes in your cabin). You will already be targeted by the locals just for being there. Don’t let your wealth turn you in to a Belisha beacon for muggers, thieves, chancers and panhandlers.
• When you book a local taxi for the day (whatever) don’t hand over any money until it returns you safely to your ship. If the car won’t start and the driver asks for money for petrol (which happened to me once in Havana), get out of the cab and look for another one. Unless you are looking for adventure (like me, for I decided to stay in the car…).
• If you want to do some interesting and inexpensive (for a change) shopping I recommend a tour of the nearest and largest local supermarket. You can wander around, check the labels and fill your trolley with stuff the locals buy at the prices they normally pay. It’s very educational and usually fun.
• Beware of the inflated prices in some of the shops you may otherwise be directed to by a tour guide.
• Remember that you may have to pay duty on some of the stuff you buy, and there may be limits on what you can take home.
• If you shop in street markets, take a careful look at the so-called handicrafts you are tempted to buy – for many of them were probably made in another country. Haggle at every opportunity and keep small bills and change handy rather than waving your fat wallet around.
• Plan to do one thing ashore that will make that trip memorable….I know, the mind boggles! But it’s your mind, not mine. Just as long as you don’t hurt anyone or yourself and it’s legal.
• Get back to the ship with plenty of time to spare.
• Be safe.
• Have a nice time.

PS I know parts of the song don’t scan. So sue me.

James Leavey

Posted in Advice, Ports Of Call