The word on the street at this year’s Edinburgh Festival is that ‘Nina Conti’s ventriloquist act is a comedy favourite, especially the bit with her foul-mouthed, depressed, furry dummy – Monkey.’

She just made it look at though I said that. Clever stuff, considering Cowes is a long way from Scotland.

Apparently, her act begins, ‘Most ventriloquists die on cruise ships…’

Although I did launch one of my books (‘The FOREST Smoker’s Guide to Scotland’ – sic!) at the Edinburgh Festival a wee while ago I haven’t been up to Scotland this year.

So I’m not exactly sure what happens next in Nina’s act.

I’ve been trying to think of the punchline for her gag but for the life of me I cannot understand why she would think an act with a talking puppet would be a flop on a cruise.

I may be a dummy but I ain’t got a wooden heart

Certainly, it might be a wooden performance but I’ve seen far worse on some ships.

And the fact is that ventriloquists have recently regained their popularity and are even headlining in Las Vegas. America’s Got Talent winner, Terry Fator, was signed up to a lucrative five-year deal to headline at The Mirage, with an option for another five years.

Which is not surprising when you consider that Fator effortlessly performs the singing styles of music legends, including Elvis, Tony Bennett, Garth Brooks, Etta James, Marvin Gaye, Nat King Cole and his daughter Natalie.

Most of us can’t sing like any of those people, even with our mouths wide open.

So there’s actually a good chance of catching a vent on a cruise (not as painful as it sounds) in the very near future.

Splinter group

If you fancy a new career as a vent on a cruise ship, here’s a few tips:

First, use a puppet or a human foil to direct your audience’s eyes to the false sense of sound – preferably the noise that’s coming out of your mouth.

Now close your mouth then open it slightly. Relax, and say: A,E,I,O,U without moving your lips.

It is very difficult to throw letters such as B,F, M,P,Q, V and W – so you’ll have to learn to use alternative sounds. For further advice: www.brownielocks.com

Don’t read my lips

Now try these:

1. ‘The drinks are on me’ Best done while you are gargling your favourite drink in one of the ship’s bars. Make sure the bar tender’s attention is directed to the person next to you.
2. ‘The Captain would like you to join him at his table for dinner.’ Direct this at the steward as you enter the ship’s dining room.
3. ‘You’re our millionth passenger and we will give you and your family a complete refund for this cruise.’ Aim this one at the Purser.
4. ‘James Leavey writes great blogs…send him lots of money’ …to any mug you think will fall for it.

I’m off for a gottle of gear.

James Leavey

Posted in Humour