Maybe I’ve been working too hard of late, or perhaps we’re making ships a bit too smart these days, but today I received an extraordinary letter.
I noticed it was stained with engine oil and sea water, and that some of the ink had started to run. Despite that its message was crystal clear.
Painful though it is to read, I’d like to share it with you.
Dear Mr Wednesday blogger
I can’t imagine you’ve ever received a letter from a cruise ship before. Well congratulations, now you have.
Because of certain physical limitations I’m having to dictate this to Juan Tu, my third engineer, who’s promised to forward it on to you.
I’ve chosen to contact you because I can kind of relate to what you do. As I see it, your blog sails through the middle of the week, just as I often find myself sailing through the middle of the ocean.
Pain in the pistons
But that’s where the empathy ends. To be honest I don’t care too much for you or your blog. Actually I hate both.
Every week when Juan reads me your latest outpourings I find my generators start to overheat and a deep pain assails me in my pistons.
The way you tell it cruises are all about people and places, excursions and adventures, food and drink, boutiques and bazaars, markets and malls. Call me biased, but all too often it looks like you forget the most important element of all.
That’s right, me.
Poetry
Ships like me are central to the whole cruising experience. Yet how often do you reflect that in your words. It seems you would sooner write about shopping than shipping.
Every week you seem to point your readers to web pages about:
Yet you avoid one of the best web pages of them all.
Just for once why don’t you invite your readers to feast their eyes on the poetry that is the site map. Let them scroll down the page and see the names of some of the great cruise ships that make all these holidays possible. All lovingly listed according to their cruise operator.
Magic and majesty
Insist they read them out loud.
Let them savour the alliteration of Carnival Conquest, Celebrity Solstice or Pacific Princess. Not to mention the magic of Disney Magic, the majesty of the QE2 or the romance of Costa Romantica.
When I listen to Huan reading your blog all I hear is passengers this and passengers that. Enough already. It’s time to introduce your readers to the star of the show.
Making an entrance
Now don’t get me wrong. I love people. Nothing gives me a greater kick than to see their faces when they catch a glimpse of me.
People who are new to cruising in particular find it hard to hide the awe and excitement they feel. When they see me for the first time they realise that no photograph could ever do justice to my fabulous figure.
What’s more I’m a girl who knows how to make an entrance. I love it when I glide into harbour and everyone stops to admire me. That moment when heads turn and the children and adults start waving is priceless.
Stunning looks, envious glances
I might as well admit it, I’m proud of my stunning looks, and the envious glances I get from lesser vessels. But, please understand there’s nothing superficial about my physical attractiveness. I’m beautiful on the inside as well. In fact I’ve been described as stern-to-bow, drop-anchor gorgeous.
However, don’t be fooled into thinking I’m just eye candy. I have a serious job to do and I do it well.
So next time you’re tucked up in your cabin, Mr Beckett, maybe enjoying a quiet nightcap, spare a though for me as I sip my diesel and head relentlessly into the night, through time zones and across oceans, nautical mile after nautical mile.
Then maybe I might get a little more respect and reverence in your reporting, because I deserve nothing less. I am, after all, pretty amazing.
Dream maker
In case you’d forgotten, I am your hotel and holiday resort on the move, your floating theatre and casino, your health farm and your gymnasium by the ocean, your shopping centre and your leisure centre at sea.
My versatility is beyond words. I am your protector and provider, your entertainer and dream maker, your companion and your friend.
Think of me as your workhorse of the water, a maritime marathon runner, the ultimate long-distance swimmer.
Which is appropriate because ultimately I am the one who ensures your holiday goes swimmingly.
That’s enough from me. Now go and write a decent blog.
Yours swimcerely
Sadly, at this point the ink was badly smudged and I was unable to identify the name.
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